I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
