Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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