I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
