On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
