Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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