I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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