Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
