Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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