i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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