just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
