The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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