Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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