Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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