just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize