When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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