I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
