i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
