I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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