Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
