Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize