"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
