He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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