Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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