sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
jump out the window naked night went bad
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
