Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize