now i know why i became what i already was.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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