Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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