Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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