I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
