i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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