dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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