i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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