So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
