I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
