At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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