I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
