Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
