is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
