he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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