just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
