Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
