I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
