my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
