1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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