wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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