yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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