I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
