oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
