im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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