zippers are such a cool invention
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
