I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
