I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I smell stomach acid.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
