I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
