apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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