So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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